In our last blog, we talked about embracing the “not yet” moments when we ask for forgiveness, allowing space and time for genuine forgiveness, reconciliation, and a deeper connection. We understand forgiveness is often a journey, not a one-time reflex. We learn to be patient, trusting that the journey of forgiveness will ultimately lead to stronger, more connected relationships.
In this blog, we show the application for married couples that incorporates the perspectives of both the wounded heart and the one who caused the wound, along with clear and practical steps for couples to follow after a conflict, grounded in the six steps of living-connected.
In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. Words spoken in the heat of the moment can cut deep, leaving wounds that are hard to heal. When your spouse responds with “Not yet” after an apology, it can feel like a door closing on reconciliation. But this moment is not the end; it’s the beginning of a healing journey that requires patience, grace, and understanding from both sides.
From the Perspective of the Wounded Heart
When hurtful words have been spoken, the pain can be overwhelming. You may feel betrayed, angry, or deeply saddened by the person you love. Forgiveness might be the furthest thing from your mind, and “Not yet” becomes your way of asking for the time and space you need to heal.
Practical Steps for the Wounded Heart:
Take time to acknowledge your emotions. Feeling hurt and needing space to process what happened is okay. Share your need for space with your spouse, expressing how their words or actions affected you.
Express appreciation for the apology and request for grace. Understand that they may be struggling with guilt or regret over their words or actions.
Explore what led to the conflict. Try to understand your spouse’s perspective. This can help you see the situation more clearly and begin the process of healing.
Remember that grace and forgiveness are essential parts of reconciliation, which is the end goal of every marital conflict.
When the time is right, communicate that in spite of your pain, you are open to healing and reconciliation. Encouraging hope can create a pathway toward eventual forgiveness.
Seek spiritual guidance through prayer or reflection. Ask for the strength to heal and the wisdom to forgive when the time is right.
From the Perspective of the One Who Caused the Wound
Causing hurt to someone you love is a painful realization. Hearing “Not yet” after offering an apology can feel like rejection, but it’s crucial to understand that this response is a request for patience and healing.
Practical Steps for the One Who Caused the Wound:
Shift your focus to your spouse’s needs. Understand that their “Not yet” is not a refusal to forgive but a request for time. Give your spouse the space they need, but also make it clear that you are there for them.
Listen to their feelings without trying to justify your actions. Sometimes, your presence alone is enough to start the healing process.
Ask your spouse what they need from you to feel safe and loved again. This shows that you are invested in their well-being and committed to making amends.
Empathize with your spouse’s pain. Acknowledge that they have every right to feel hurt, and express your sincere regret for causing that pain.
Express your commitment to the relationship to encourage hope and reassure your spouse that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and heal the wounds.
Turn to prayer or reflection, seeking guidance on how to mend the rift. Ask for the patience to allow your spouse the time they need to forgive and the strength to be a source of healing for them.
What to Do After Hearing “Not Yet”: A Joint Approach
After hearing “Not yet,” both partners must recognize that healing is a shared journey. Here are some practical steps to take together:
Create a Safe Space for Dialogue:
Set aside time to talk without distractions. Use this time to share your feelings, ask questions, and listen to each other’s perspectives.
Practice Daily Acts of Kindness:
Small gestures of love and care can go a long way in repairing the relationship. Whether it’s a kind word, a thoughtful note, or simply spending time together, these acts can help rebuild trust.
Revisit the Conflict Together:
After some time has passed, revisit the conflict calmly. Discuss what you’ve learned from the experience and how you can avoid similar situations in the future.
Pray Together:
Engage in prayer as a couple. Ask for God’s guidance and strength to forgive, heal, and grow closer through this experience.
Reaffirm Your Commitment:
Remind each other of your commitment to a Covenant relationship. This can be through words, actions, or a simple hug that says, “We’re in this together.”
Conclusion: The Journey to Healing and Forgiveness
Conflict, while painful, can be an opportunity for growth. By embracing patience, grace, and living-connected steps, couples can navigate difficult moments together. Remember, forgiveness is not a transaction but a journey—one that, when taken together, can lead to a deeper, more connected bond.
By working through the “Not yet” moments with love and understanding, couples can transform wounds into wisdom and scars into strength, ensuring that their relationship not only survives but thrives.
For a deeper dive into this kind of journey, we have created a marriage workshop that you can access on our website.