A few years ago, after Leeboy passed, I was deep in grief and wanted to tell people about my son. I wanted others to know about my loss. This is a deep yearning for everyone who has lost a loved one. It’s the inspiration and topic of many books, blogs, movies, podcasts, sermons, and small group discussions.
Talking about one’s pain to someone genuinely interested in your story is very cathartic.
Given the great need to express feelings, knowledge, or experience, what is needed is the other side…those who willfully show up and listen. Outside these one-way organized meeting places for telling stories to those who show up interested in what is said, there is a great scarcity of people who want to listen to others.
It’s difficult to find people who want to hear someone else’s personal story of pain.
In our world, where everyone seems to be talking, true listeners are rare. When I lost Leeboy, I desperately wanted to share my story and talk about my pain. Yet, while many were willing to offer advice or words of comfort, few were ready to simply listen.
This scarcity of listeners is a significant challenge for those in grief. It creates a gap between the need to express and the opportunity to be heard.
Listening is more than just hearing words. It’s about being present, showing empathy, and truly engaging with the speaker. When we listen with the intent to understand rather than reply, we validate the other person’s feelings. We tell them that their story matters, that they matter. This validation can be incredibly healing.
Reflecting on my own grieving experience, I realized the importance of being intentional about listening. My first New Year’s resolution after Lee passed was to become a better listener than a talker like my son was. Let me just say that it hasn’t been easy, but I’m getting better at it. And that’s because I’m intentional about it. Here are the steps I’m most aware of when engaged with someone:
1. Be Present: When someone is speaking, I give them my full attention. I put away distractions and focus on them.
2. Show Empathy: I try to understand their story, feelings, and perspectives. Then, I reflect on what I hear to show that I’m genuinely engaged.
3. Ask Open-Ended Questions: I try to encourage them to share more by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer.
4. Practice Patience: I don’t rush to respond or offer solutions. I understand that just being there and listening can be enough.
5. Validate Their Feelings: I acknowledge their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do.
In our journey to support others, let’s remember the ministry of presence. It’s about being there, truly being there, for those who need us. Whether it’s a grieving parent, a lonely friend, or a stranger in a Bible study, our presence and our willingness to listen can make all the difference.
In conclusion, the need to be heard is universal, especially in times of grief. As we strive to live connected, let’s commit to being better listeners.
Let’s fill the gap between the need to express and the opportunity to be heard. By doing so, we offer a powerful gift to those around us, a gift that can heal and bring comfort. Just like I am learning to be intentional about listening, I encourage you to do the same.
Listening is a gift of healing.