“You are not my favorite person right now!”

That’s one of my wife’s go-to responses when I’ve done (or not done) something that triggers her. She picked it up from one of our favorite movies, Fools Rush In, and it has become her way of navigating conflict with as much respect as she can muster in the heat of the moment. It lets me know she’s frustrated or upset without escalating the argument, blaming, or attacking me. It paves the way for our conflict to be redemptive rather than destructive.

An emotion trigger is anything—an event, memory, person, or even a sensory experience—that provokes a strong emotional reaction,

We emphasize this principle in our marriage workshops, and I was reminded of its significance when I completely blew it with my grandkids the other night.

When I Lost the Battle with My Triggers

I watched four of my grandkids—ages 4, 6, 8, and 10—while my daughter and son-in-law were out on a date night. Now, I know every grandparent thinks their grandkids are amazing, and mine truly are… most of the time.

That night, however, was filled with more bickering and pestering than usual. I was trying to navigate it when my six-year-old (Hope) accused me of not being loving and playing favorites. That triggered something in me.

Frustrated and annoyed, I asked how she could possibly think that after all the things I do for her. She recalled an event from months ago when I had made her share a game, and when she refused, I got mad and put her in timeout.

“You’re making that up,” I said, not remembering the event.

Then her sister (Heidi) chimed in: “No, she’s not. You were mean to her.”

I dug in. “I wasn’t mean about it,” I said with more authority.

And then, the oldest (Hannah) joined in: “I remember it too. You were mean!”

At that point, I was completely triggered (frustrated). My voice got louder. I told them all to go upstairs and get in bed—now! 

As they stomped their way up the stairs, I let them know just how frustrated I was after all I do for them. And in an even louder voice, I said: “I can’t believe you’d think I don’t love you!”

Then, as if on cue, the four-year-old (Harvey) followed his sisters, stomping his feet in protest, and let me know just how frustrated he was with me for being mean to them.

And that’s when I totally lost it.

“Fine!” I snapped. “You can get your little rear-end up in bed too!”

OK, Stop laughing! This was not my finest moment.

Later, after I had cooled down, I replayed the scene in my mind. I felt deep remorse for how quickly things had escalated. But that’s what happens when we react out of triggers.

It leads us to a place of disconnection and regret, making us wish we had handled things differently.

Why Do We Get Triggered?

Perhaps a harsh tone reminds you of rejection from years ago. Maybe an interruption makes you feel unheard.

The problem is, when we react out of our triggers, we often hurt the very relationships we want to protect.

Unmanaged Triggers Lead To:

• Defensiveness – We lash out, justifying our position instead of seeking understanding.
• Withdrawal – We shut down or avoid the conversation, leaving wounds unhealed.
• People-Pleasing – We suppress our feelings to keep the peace, but resentment builds.

The good news is that we don’t have to stay stuck in reactive patterns. We can manage our triggers, navigate conflict redemptively, and build deeper connections.

The Success Wheel: A Guide to Healing Responses

In our marriage workshops, we teach the Success Wheel, which provides a framework for resolving conflict redemptively. Rooted in love, respect, and covenant commitment, it calls us to:

Pause before reacting.
Listen to understand, not just to respond.
Reflect on our emotions and what’s really happening inside us.
Respond in a way that honors God and strengthens the relationship.

4 Steps to Navigating Triggers in Conflict

1. Pause and Identify the Trigger

Before reacting, take a deep breath and ask yourself:

• What emotion am I feeling right now? (Anger, hurt, fear, insecurity?)
• What just happened that set this off?
• Is this situation really about the present moment, or is it stirring something deeper?

The pause interrupts the automatic reaction and creates space for an intentional response.

2. Engage in Non-Reactive Listening

Triggers hijack our ability to listen, making us defensive or dismissive. Instead of letting emotions take over:

• Take a deep breath and focus on the person speaking, not just your feelings.
• Silently pray for wisdom: “Lord, help me to listen with love, not react in fear.”
• Ask clarifying questions: “I hear that this is frustrating for you. Can you help me understand why?”

3. Ask Questions for Clarity

• Be aware of your tone—it communicates just as much as your words.
• Show genuine curiosity—seek to understand the other person’s pain point.
• Listen for what’s beneath the words—is this about the present or something deeper?

4. Respond with Grace and Truth

• Speak truth in love – “I felt hurt when you said that. Can we talk about it?”
• Own your reaction – “I got defensive just now. That triggered something in me.”
• Seek understanding over being right – “How can we move forward together?”

From Reaction to Redemption

The End of The Story

The next morning, I attended a men’s Bible study. Our passage? Colossians 3:12-13:

“Clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowances for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.”

Conviction hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had reacted to my grandkids’ faults instead of making allowances. My tone—a lifelong struggle—robbed me of what I wanted most: a deeply connected, safe relationship with them.

That night, after I lost my cool, I was stymied as to what to do next. My stubborn pride was blocking my view of how to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I prayed for God to redeem the situation. I sat on the couch, stewing for 20 minutes, until…

They came downstairs.

No one said a word.

Then, my six-year-old (Hope) walked over, sat beside me, put my arm around her, and snuggled into me.

She didn’t need to say anything.

She made allowances for my faults, demonstrating unconditional love and grace before it was revealed to me the following day. 

I wish I could say I apologized for my outburst when they sat beside me on the sofa, but I didn’t. Instead, I asked Hannah why they thought I was being mean when disciplining Hope. She said it was my tone. Ugh…it’s been my nemesis my whole married and parental life! 

Later, I took each grandchild on a one-on-one date to apologize and reconnect. And just like that… God redeemed the conflict and turned it into a growth spurt, reminding me that I am still a work in progress.

Reflection Questions

• What are some of your common emotional triggers?
• How do you typically respond when you feel triggered?
• How can you practice pausing and listening the next time a trigger arises?

I’d love to hear your thoughts—drop a comment or share a time when you turned a trigger into an opportunity for growth!