How the Holy Spirit helps us quiet our reactions and listen with love
Our journey through the Fruit of the Spirit brings us to the final quality Paul names in Galatians 5:22–23: self-control.
We often associate self-control with managing anger, resisting temptation, or knowing when to stop eating. But self-control also shapes something we do every day:
How we listen.
Last month, we explored how gentleness gives weary souls a place to rest. Gentleness shapes how we respond. Self-control helps us pause long enough to choose that response.
James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
That sounds simple—until someone says something we disagree with, describes a situation we think we understand, or shares an experience that reminds us of our own.
Suddenly, we have something to say.
Self-control helps us pause before reacting to what we see or hear. It gives us the restraint to set aside our assumptions, hold back our own stories, and listen when love calls us to understand.
When We Think We Already Understand
Imagine two friends meeting for coffee.
One has been unusually quiet lately. After some small talk, he finally opens up.
“My wife says I’m never really there for her. I work all day, come home exhausted, and then it feels like nothing I do is enough.”
His friend immediately thinks, I know how that goes. People don’t appreciate how hard it is to provide for a family.
He remembers his own marriage struggles and leans forward.
“I know exactly what you mean. A few years ago, my wife and I went through the same thing…”
For the next several minutes, he describes their arguments, the advice they received, and how they worked things out.
The first man listens politely. He even asks a question.
But he never finishes his own story.
What he had been trying to say was that his wife was right. Since his father’s death, he had been burying himself in work. At home, he withdrew. He did not know how to talk about his grief, and he was afraid of losing his marriage.
He had finally worked up the courage to tell someone.
His friend cared. But an assumption shaped what he heard, and his personal story hijacked the conversation.
He missed the heart that was opening in front of him.
The Assumptions We Bring to Listening
We all bring experiences, beliefs, loyalties, and expectations into a conversation. Those things can help us understand another person. They can also convince us that we understand before we have listened.
We hear a complaint about a marriage and begin assigning blame.
We hear someone express disappointment with God and start preparing a theological explanation.
We recognize a familiar struggle and assume we already know its cause.
Sometimes our bias sounds like criticism: They brought this on themselves.
Sometimes it sounds like agreement: You’re right. The other person is the problem.
Either way, we may stop discovering and start deciding on a story that hasn’t been told yet.
Self-control helps us notice that movement within ourselves. We can acknowledge an assumption without allowing it to lead the conversation.
I have a reaction to what I’m hearing. But I do not yet know the whole story.
Listening does not require us to agree with every conclusion. It requires us to give someone enough room to be understood before we respond.
When Their Story Becomes Our Story
Story hijacking often begins with a sincere desire to connect.
Someone describes a loss, and we remember ours. They mention chronic pain, and we recall our diagnosis. They share a family conflict, and we have a story ready.
Our experience may eventually be helpful. But when we share too quickly or at length, the hurting person can become the listener just when they needed us to listen.
They may nod, ask questions, and even comfort us.
Meanwhile, the pain they came to share remains largely unspoken.
A shared experience can help us draw closer, but it does not mean we already know what this experience is like for them.
Self-control invites us to ask:
Would sharing my story serve this person right now? Have I understood theirs well enough to know?
Sometimes love shares briefly and returns the attention to them.
Sometimes love leaves our story untold.
What a Pause Could Have Made Possible
Return to those two friends at the coffee shop.
Imagine the listener noticing his first reaction and choosing to wait. Instead of assuming that his friend needs agreement or advice, he asks:
“When she says you aren’t really there, what does she mean?”
The man looks down at his coffee.
“I think she means I’ve shut her out. And honestly, I have.”
His friend waits.
“Since Dad died, I just don’t know how to be myself anymore.”
Now they are reaching the conversation he needed to have.
“I’m so sorry. What have these months been like for you?”
No impressive answer. No lengthy personal story. Just enough restraint to let another person’s heart become known.
Self-control made room for connection.
Self-Control in Living-Connected
Self-control has a particularly important place in Step 2: being present and listening without reacting.
It helps us remain attentive when we feel defensive, uncomfortable, eager to advise, or certain that we know the answer.
It also supports every other step. We set aside our agenda to become others-focused. We restrain our assumptions so curiosity can grow. We resist minimizing pain so empathy can deepen. We slow our encouragement until we understand what kind of hope someone needs.
Even our desire to share Scripture needs thoughtful timing. A verse offered with care can bring comfort. Offered before we have listened, it can leave someone feeling that their questions or tears need to end.
This is why we need the Holy Spirit. We are all capable, maybe even guilty, of keeping our mouths closed while inwardly rehearsing our rebuttal. We can appear attentive while waiting for our turn…and sometimes we don’t even wait.
We need His help with both our words and the attitudes beneath them.
A Practical Self-Control Pause
Before responding to someone who is hurting, pause and ask:
- What am I assuming that I have not yet asked about?
- Am I listening to understand, or preparing my response?
- Do I feel an urge to defend, correct, advise, or tell my own story?
- Would what I want to say help them continue—or interrupt what they need to share?
- Could I offer one thoughtful question and listen a little longer?
If you realize you have taken over, you can return:
“I’m sorry—I moved into my own story before you had finished yours. You were telling me about how hard things have been. I want to hear more.”
Self-control also helps us stop, acknowledge the interruption, and give the conversation back.
Making Room for Connection
As we conclude this series, we can see how the Fruit of the Spirit works together to help us live connected in a way that is healing.
Love moves us toward someone. Patience allows them time. Gentleness handles their heart with care. Self-control helps us quiet the impulses that could get in the way.
We may have a helpful story, a good answer, or an important truth to share. But first, there is a person in front of us who needs to be heard.
Before our assumptions finish their sentences, before our memories become the conversation, before our advice takes over, we can pause:
Holy Spirit, help me understand this person. Help me notice what I am bringing into this moment. Help me love them well enough to listen.
Sometimes the most loving words we can offer are:
“Tell me more. I’m listening.”